The Secret to Happiness

According to one of my psychology textbooks, happiness starts with self-knowledge. I agree. But I’m also surprised at what people don’t know about themselves. I know people who don’t really like their current job, but when I ask what they would like to do, they say they don’t know. Um, keep looking? Apparently this isn’t it! Why would you spend your entire life doing work you don’t like?

What’s important to you in a friend? Do you know? Or are you just friends with whoever shows up? Spend time with people who make you happy and figure out why they make you happy. Do you laugh at the same jokes? Share the same values? Plot to destroy the same enemies?

Do you know what brings you joy? And what doesn’t? I’ll give you an example. I hate camping. I don’t like bugs, peeing in the woods, and not having a shower. Gross. But there are people in my life who like camping and want me to go. I know myself and don’t want to 1) be miserable and 2) negatively impact their experience. Don’t get me wrong, I love the outdoors. I’ll hike all day with you, eat s’mores by the fire with you, but indoor plumbing was invented for a reason. I am not going camping.

Now you might make a different choice. You might hate camping too, but you decide you want to be with your family and that makes you happy. Yay you! It’s the knowing of yourself that matters. The only bad choice is going camping and expecting something in return – thereby making others responsible for your happiness. If you expect people to appreciate your sacrifice, better to join me at the hotel. Pack your fuzzy slippers.

Sometimes you have to try new things to figure out what makes you happy. I did try camping (it was just as horrible as I expected). Have you ever tried traveling solo? You have to try it before you can say you hate it! I love it! I love the freedom of doing exactly what I want when I want. I like not worrying if other people are having a good time. I also like traveling with others, but sometimes flying solo is fabulous! However, I don’t like to eat out alone. For me, that’s a social activity. Every time you try something new, you learn something about yourself.

If you are nervous or afraid to try something, all the more reason to do it! I was scared to start my own business (that was 25 years ago and the best thing I’ve ever done). Trying new things is how you discover the amazing person that is you. And guess what? If you are doing things you love, you’ll meet other people who like those things and that’s how you find your tribe. And every time you try something that scares you, you get stronger. Avoiding everything that scares you makes you weak.

Socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living. I think our journey through this life is all about self discovery. But a large part of that is taking the time to think about your experiences, to reflect on what has and has not worked for you. This means stepping away from your phone, asking yourself some hard questions and listening to the answers.

Try these:

Looking back over my life, what experiences brought me joy? How can I create more experiences like those?

What experiences have brought me pain? What did I learn from them?

What is my greatest worry right now? Is it really my worry? Can I take action to alleviate it or do I just need to let it go?

What am I good at? Am I making the most of my talents and skills?

What are my dreams? What am I looking forward to? (If you can’t answer this, you have some work to do. Everyone needs something to look forward to. Period.)

Am I making someone else responsible for my happiness? Is that fair to them? Is it fair to me?

Do I often do things I really don’t want to do? Why?

If I had a spare three hours, what would I do? (Sleep is not an acceptable answer.)

What can I stop doing to create time for what I want to do?

Have I forgotten who I am? Example – I’m the only person in my world who loves art museums. Sometimes I forget to look for new exhibits and get to a museum. But every time I see great art, I remember who I am.

Are there things you don’t want to do that you are doing out of guilt? What would happen if you stopped doing them? (I think other people care less than you realize.)

Who in my life causes me the most pain? Why do I care more about them than I do myself? Do they care more about me than they do about themselves? How can I lessen my pain?

What are you waiting for? No one is going to drop from the sky and whisk you off to a better life, new job, happy family, etc. Stop waiting and work on those things yourself or you’ll be waiting forever.