How to Stop Letting Other People Upset You
It happens to the best of us. We find ourselves completely undone by someone else’s behavior. It could be anything from someone cutting you off in traffic to your spouse cheating on you. Mild to severe, other people’s actions can turn our world upside down.
I recently let myself get all caught up in someone else’s drama. My boyfriend’s daughter was behaving in some ways I found unacceptable. He was trying to rein her in; she was acting out more and more; we all went to counseling (I can’t tell you how many arguments, sleepless nights, and general fury on my part all this caused). Suddenly, she decided to move in with her mother. As soon as she moved, poof – there was peace on earth. No more drama, angst, or fury. Is she still doing all the stuff we had problems with? I’m sure. But now it’s not my issue. And you know what? It never was.
Most of the things that you get upset about aren’t your issues. The driver who cut you off? Their driving is not your issue. All you need to worry about is getting safely to your destination. That lazy co-worker who isn’t doing their share of the work? Not your issue. All you need to do is focus on your own good work. Your cheating spouse? Not your issue. Your issue is why you would stay with someone who is cheating on you.
Some tips to help with this:
1. Realize you cannot control other people. They are going to do the crazy, stupid, incorrect things they are going to do. You can’t force them to do anything else. You can’t force someone to stop being lazy or lying to you or cheating on you. The only person you can control is you. You get to decide how much you’re going to let this person’s behavior impact you. Your worrying, obsessing, venting, etc. has zero impact on them – and only hurts you.
2. You have three choices – change your thinking, change your behavior, or do nothing. My boyfriend is not a planner – it’s just not his way. This used to drive me completely insane. I would constantly argue the importance of planning – that if you failed to plan, you planned to fail. I was quick to point out occasions where his lack of planning cost him (I’m such a charmer!). He finally told me that if I liked planning so much, I could just plan everything and he would gladly go along. I finally accepted that I was never going to change him. I can either live with no plan (changing how I think about planning), make the plan myself (changing my behavior), find a new boyfriend (also changing my behavior) or just keep complaining about it. But I’ll never make him a planner.
3. Examine your role in the behavior. Did the driver ahead of you cut you off because you just started talking on your cell and slowed 20 MPH? Did your teenager lie to you because the last time he told you the truth he was grounded? Is your spouse cheating because you are on the road 358 days a year? I’m not condoning any of the behaviors – I’m just asking you to look at the only person you can control – you. Maybe you are playing a role and not even realizing it.
4. But realize it may have absolutely nothing to do with you. I hate to say it, but this is more often the case. We are all the center of our own universes. Many times we think people are doing things because of us or to us and they aren’t. The driver may not have even seen you. Your teenager may lie just because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. Your spouse may be cheating for the thrill of it and still loves you (although they have a crummy way of showing it).
5. Don’t inadvertently enable the behavior. Some people engage in their crazy behavior because the people around them encourage it. If your spouse cheats on you, and you take them back and treat them better than before, can you blame them if they cheat again? If your friend “borrows” money from you, and never repays it and you lend them more, can you blame them if they never repay that loan either? I love Maya Angelou’s advice, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I know you don’t think you’re enabling, you think you’re helping. You think they will behave differently this time, that perhaps your love or kindness will change them. I say to you – why are you trying to control them still? Trying to change someone is trying to control them.
6. Let it go. Think of whoever drives you crazy right now. Get worked up – think of how they lie to you or how they don’t do their share or how selfish they are – whatever it is they are doing that drives you crazy. Assume they will never change. Ever. Can you just let it go? Is it really a minor thing you’ve been focusing on, making it major? In the big scheme of things, my boyfriend’s nonplanning is just not that big a deal. It’s offset by his kindness, patience, and wonderful good humor. Can you focus on the good more than the bad?
7. Let them go. Some behavior you just can’t let go of. Sometimes there’s not enough good to offset the bad. The best thing to do may be to let go of the relationship. Why are you staying with someone who causes you so much upset and pain? If you can’t let go of the relationship (say it’s a co-worker), can you let go of thinking so much about them? I bet they aren’t spending so much time thinking about you.
8. Get help. Can’t let it go or them? Talk with a professional counselor – life is too short for all this drama.
9. What about kids? Obviously when kids are little, you have to control them. They might think running into traffic is a good idea and you should probably put a stop to that. But as they get older, you’ll find that you need to alter your behavior to impact theirs. Maybe they start to dress inappropriately. You have several options – you can check out current fashion before you freak; you can yell and tell them they’re not going out like that (giving credibility to their attempt at rebellion); you can cut off the clothing allowance (controlling your behavior not theirs); or you can ignore it, knowing that sooner or later they will be embarrassed just like the rest of us and will fall in line. And if you are sharing clothing with your children, know that the rest of us are trying to let it go.
The bottom line is that you can’t let the behavior of others steal your joy. But if you do, it’s your choice. Focus on being the best and happiest that you can be – that’s where your energy should go. Set the best example you can and spend time and energy on people who lift you higher. And remember, somewhere there’s someone out there who thinks YOU need to change! Ha!
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Hello I’m In DESPERATE need of any and all help advice. Pretty much my entire life my older sister has not been a good sister. My parents enable her & constantly make excuses for her bad behavior. She is rude, narcissistic,inconsiderate, entitled,& most importantly SELFISH. She never takes accountability for anything. She recently moved back in with us and she makes the entire house on edge. I have decided to not engage with her at all until she changes her behavior. She refuses to get therapy and ever since she lost her job she has been even more toxic and… Read more »
Oh gosh! Bunny, this sounds beyond terrible! (Please read Yusuf’s comment and know you are not alone.) I am super proud of you for setting boundaries and trying to protect yourself. You are in a tough spot because you can’t change any of these people. What you do have to focus on is protecting yourself. I find that journaling can be a great source of venting – writing it all down and getting it out can help. Also, are there things you do around the house that she doesn’t that make you angry or feel taken advantage of? You might… Read more »
Hello Denise, I am in desperate need of your help. I just don’t know what to do anymore. My brother keeps on saying unkind things about the things that I love, which is upsetting me and making me doubt doing my favourite things and feeling happy when I’m doing them. His behaviour has just gotten worse and worse, after him being influenced by others, who are now his friends, which has changed him and turned him into a person who I no longer recognise anymore. Please help me with this, I am a 15 year old boy, and I have… Read more »
Hi Yusuf! First of all, I am so, so sorry! How terrible this must be for you! And I know this will seem like small comfort, but being a teenager kind of sucks. Things will definitely get better, so hang on!!! So, it sounds like your brother is a jerk. I don’t know why he is being this way – it could be that making you feel bad makes him feel better about himself in some way (often the case); he might not realize how bad he is making you feel; he might be showing off to his friends; or… Read more »
Hi Denise, I really need some advice. I am in my early 30s’ and my husband bought a house for us. Everything seems to be going great but the only thing is I feel as if I am dependent on him. I just started remote work thank God but I don’t have a license or drive so I feel like I’m helpless in a way. I don’t have much family or anyone who can be there for me besides him. His mom says she cares for me and wants me to be happy but I feel like she’s always trying… Read more »
Hi Sam! Thanks for your comment! I’m so sorry you are struggling. Congrats on finding a new job! That’s a great step toward independence and having a good sense of self. I think talking to a therapist is a terrific idea! I also think working on getting your driver’s license and learning to drive might be a big confidence booster. The more things you master, the stronger you get. You’ll start to see that you’re capable of many things if you set your mind to them. And the more exciting and full your life is, the less time you’ll have… Read more »
Thank you I’m at the end of my rope and would never want to see a loop on it. The world has changed and being so wholesome I’m dying inside trying to live day to day with my mother’s child.
Hi Michael – oh gosh I am so, so sorry! I hope you’ll talk with a therapist – they can be super helpful! Don’t try to beat depression solo!
I get upset over my boyfriend putting others before me, us , our home. Our home is Avery old trailer. I’ve tried fixing it up. He comes in behind me and messes it up. He won’t help. I even do the plumbing. At his work they all admire him . He helps others and so on. At home he is lazy, he is disrespectful, drinks alcohol all the time and talks to me bad and says mean things. I get upset over this. It ruins my day or night. I don’t feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I feel… Read more »
Hi Belinda! I’m so sorry! Your situation sounds super frustrating. It also sounds like you might be depressed, so please know I’m not a counselor and you might want to talk with someone. Especially if you feel like you can’t take any action to improve things. You have every reason to get upset – honestly I don’t know why you are with this guy. If he is lazy, possibly has issues with alcohol, and is mean to you – I think you should be doing everything in your power to leave. The only person you can change in this equation… Read more »
Little things upset me,I avoid expressing my feelings because my boyfriend said I argue too much and should learn to overlook things…I love to be treated same way I treat him with calls and messages but he’s always like he’s busy at work and all so he wouldn’t always call or text which upsets me….when he upsets me,he knows exactly what he did and he keeps asking me what the problem is and when I speak up he says he knew that was the problem so then I’m like why did you ask then…it always leads to an argument,now I… Read more »
Hi Chidera! Thanks for your comment! I have to say I’m torn, because I never want someone to not express their feelings in a relationship. But I also think there might be some times when your expectations are unrealistic. For example, if someone is at work, they honestly may not be able to call or text and you getting upset is not fair. So I think you’ve got to let that one go. But if there’s a legit issue, you have every right to bring it up. So, first have a heart to heart with yourself and ask yourself –… Read more »
I read the article and a few comments and I just wanted to thank you. You seem to be very nice and conscious of what are our responsibilities in a relationship. I don’t want to ask any advice. Just want to thank you for your article and for personally helping people who are seeking your help.
Hi Isaac! Awwww! Thank you so much – you made my day! I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. ❤️
My relationship is not what I thought it was. Or I thought he wasn’t that type of man because he had believe time after time throughout the years that he can be trusted . He is an older man both me and him are in our early 50s . Been divorced, been through so much in our lives with our previous exes and having children both grown and some in middle school . But we both been through all the insecurities , and when we got together we had an understanding that I know lasted for a while in regards… Read more »
Oh Valerie! I am so, so sorry! Being in this situation is the absolute worst ever! First of all, please don’t feel bad about yourself. This is all about him, not you. Second, remember, I’m not a professional counselor and I don’t have tons of information, so take anything I say with a grain of salt. I’m assuming you are safe and he has never physically hurt you. If he has, then you need to make arrangements to get away immediately, no discussion, etc. But I’m assuming it’s not like that. If you have been together a long time and… Read more »
This was exactly what I needed to read. My ex and co-parent has decided to entre a new relationship that is ridiculous. It is with a married woman from their work who has teenage sons. Their affair was only secret for 2 weeks before the husband found out. Now the woman’s life has exploded and she is not making any decisions about her next steps in life. I like in a friendly way my co-parent of our 4 year old. I am feeling frustrated for them as they know it is a not a good relationship to be in and… Read more »
Hi Elizabeth! I am soooo sorry you are dealing with this! I know co-parenting is VERY hard, especially when you have to deal with your ex dating someone who seems to be a hot mess. That’s great that you convinced them not to move in together (at least for now). Things are made 1000 times worse because you want to protect your child (otherwise you could just walk away from this trainwreck). So glad the article helped – and I can see you get it! You realize you can’t control their actions (and the actions of someone in a new… Read more »
l allow myself to get upset over other people problems and sometimes I get mad because someone else is mad ..I feel like I’ve kost myself..
Hi Alesia! I’m so sorry! Sounds like you are super empathetic – which is a wonderful thing! But if you lose yourself, well, then you’ve lost everything. I hope the article helped a bit – it might also help to practice checking in with yourself – whether you simply take a deep breath or literally step away from the conversation or phone or whatever (even if you just pop to the bathroom!). Take a minute to ask yourself – wait, how do I feel about this? I’m not mad, I can listen to someone else’s anger (to a point) and… Read more »
Hi. I am having issues with my co-worker. We used to be very good friends and everything was fine until I went on a few months study leave. During my study leave, we used to talk on phone and he used to tell me about how the new comers were bothering him and that they wouldn’t do the work he assigned to them. I comforted him and used to tell him wait until I am back. And when I came back I came face to face with a new person at least attitude and ego wise. I was assigned to… Read more »
Hi Ria! Argh – I’m so sorry! Thanks for sharing your story! How awful to come back from leave to this hot mess! First of all, it sounds like you are doing a good job of setting boundaries (I’m proud of you!). I love that saying “when someone shows you who they are, believe them – the FIRST time!” It sounds like his behavior really upset you and he has not apologized or done anything to reach out to you. You don’t have to have a personal relationship with anyone unless you want to. It sounds like you are being… Read more »
Hello. I could use any advice as I’m clueless it seems . I’ve recently met someone. We’ve spent time together about 3 nights to be exact. Since the day we met we talk on the phone every night for 2 3 4 hours or more. He has expressed his feelings and his need to stay focused on his goals. He will not deviate on his goals. And I’m okay with that. I want him to achieve his goals. He keeps telling me how grateful he is I’m honest with him and how I’m do open. I tell him stories about… Read more »
Hi Jenny! I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts. Please keep in mind I am not a professional counselor and I really don’t know your age or situation, but since you asked for my advice, I’m going to give it to you. First of all, you’ve only know this guy for 3 nights. Why are you giving him so much power over you? If someone wants to break things off this early in a relationship, LET THEM GO! You want to be with someone who wants to be with you.… Read more »
At this moment, I’m upset with my family members who make no time for me. I tried my best to explain how I feel to each one. I plan to move within a few years to be closer to a dear friend and because of the weather. I don’t need to beg anyone for company. I’m looking ahead. Thank you for this inspiring article.
Hi and thanks so much! I’m so glad you liked the post! And good for you! I know family can be hard – but you’ve done everything you can. Sounds like you have a terrific plan for your happiness – bravo!!
Thank you for this article. I need help applying these tips to my situation. I live with my partner, who is really messy, forgetful, and mostly motivated to do things that are only fun. It’s not at the top of his list to contribute to chores and common responsibilities. I have to either repeatedly remind him or wait till I get frustrated. I’m very responsible and finish up chores first thing before I move on to something relaxing or fun. He leaves me with a lot of extra work. I’ve tried to address this in several ways, including losing my… Read more »
Hi Yvonne! Thanks so much for reading and for commenting! First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Let’s assume he’s not going to change (it sounds like you’ve stated your needs clearly and he’s not interested in changing to meet them.) So if he’s not going to change, you get to decide if you want a partner who would rather spend his time jamming than being with you. If you are okay with that, you have to accept it, let your resentment go, and make other plans. If you are not okay with that, it might be… Read more »
Thank you for the article. It’s been really helpful. Recently I got really upset with a mother of my boyfriend. She drove me crazy almost to a mental breakdown. My bf leaves with her so when I visit him I stay there at weekends. I was really in shock when she started to take my personal things and rearrange them as she liked. I spoke up to resolve the issue and let her know that it is a violation of personal space and an utter disrespect towards me. But she didn’t understand she merely thought that she was doing the… Read more »
Hi Elena! Thanks for your comment! I’m so sorry – dealing with our loved one’s parents can be hard! I’ll try to help! First of all, try to realize that it will be easier for your boyfriend if you get along with his mother. If you get upset with her, it puts him in the middle and he has to keep the peace since he lives with her. One thing I don’t know is are your things in her son’s room or in a common area of the house? If they are in his space, then I’m not sure why… Read more »
My brother has frontal lobe brain damage from a car accident 20 years ago and is also a drug addict who abuses his Adderall every month they are gone within a week he stays up for days doesn’t do a thing messes the whole house up with his clutter and making a mess and on top of it, sits out on the porch rapping, he is 43 year old white male who never lived on his own, only ambition is becoming a rapper and spending his Social Security check on rap career & pot, he has fake followers and streams… Read more »
Hi Jay! Holy smokes that’s a lot! I’m sorry for your current situation. I know it’s beyond frustrating, but it sounds like there’s not much you can do about your brother. It’s up to your parents to deal with him (if they want to). The house he is messing up is theirs after all. Your power lies in focusing on you. First thing is, if you haven’t stopped drinking, I’d make that a priority. I’m not saying it’s easy, but you can’t let alcohol mess up your life any more than it already has. Next you have to focus on… Read more »
Thank you. I’m feeling very frustrated that I may be trapped in this marriage forever with a man who doesn’t seem to value me. It has been 8 years since he cheated and we decided to try to stay together. He was so great for a year or 2. Now I am disrespected and belittled all the time. I’m hoping to catch you speak somewhere. You make me feel like there is hope for my and my kids’ future.
Hi Jen! I’m so sorry. You are never trapped, although I know you can feel that way. It’s easy to lose your self of self in a relationship, especially if someone betrayed you. But there is always hope!! If he was great for two tears, maybe you could suggest counseling or could try to reconnect yourself. If you think that ship has sailed, make sure he knows when he hurts your feelings (sometimes people can be blockheads) and if he doesn’t care, start crafting your plan to leave. It can be lonelier to be with someone who doesn’t seem to… Read more »
Thank you so much for this article. It was like it was written exactly for me. I am currently battling with some of these issues and I keep increasing my love hoping it will make others around me change; when, actually I’m being an enabler. I am so grateful I stumbled across this article. I look forward to being blessed by many more.
MR – thanks so much for your kind words! I’m so glad it helped! It’s so hard – the problem is, if you give too much love away without getting any back, you run out! Make sure you save a good chunk for yourself. I’m sending some your way right now! Thanks so much for commenting. ❤️
Hi! I really enjoyed reading this, especially the part about letting go of one’s actions I cannot control. I have a friend who is really lousy with making plans. She says she wants to get together once per month, which I also enjoy, but then it’s always me attempting to reach out and plan/schedule it every month. It’s turned into something that has really burned me out because she’s not the greatest at answering back about availability. She does eventually, but the back and forth sometimes goes on for a week before the plan is actually set in place. I… Read more »
Hi Liz! Argh!!! So hard! Maybe you could tell her, “Hey, I don’t mind making the plans, but I really need to hear back from you.” It’s not fair to expect you to make all the plans AND be unresponsive. I get that some people are terrible at making plans (my boyfriend), but not responding is just rude and disrespectful. I sometimes think COVID took away common politeness. But you are spot on that you can’t control her. Those get togethers have to be amazing or it might be time to find a new friend! Good luck – and thanks… Read more »
Sometimes stand up for yourself that involves financial matters
Hi Cindy! Thanks for your comment! I would say ALWAYS stand up for yourself.
I enjoyed reading this. It was a good reminder for me that I need to step back, and focus on me instead of overthinking or trying to tell myself maybe my gut feeling is wrong this time. Which is FALSE! Ladies, your gut feeling is always right! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 12 years now, and I put up with more than I ever should have. You can’t change people, people can’t change us no matter how much you think it’s possible. A person can and will only change when they are ready and want to . They can… Read more »
Amen!!! Thanks for sharing your story (although I’m sorry you’re going through it). Remind yourself that you don’t have anything invested – those 12 years are gone. The question now is will you waste any more time? After 12 years, does he even deserve 12 more minutes? You know exactly who he is. Do you care enough about yourself to walk away and find someone who will treat you well and give you the love you deserve? Until you stand up for yourself, no one else will. And I believe this with all my heart, it is far lonelier to… Read more »
It is impossible to escape it in this day and age. Everyone is selfish, lazy, cheats, lies, disrespects each other. There is no escaping it, unless I build a tree house in the middle of nowhere and run away
Hi Tee! So sorry you feel that way! There are some good people out there – I hope you don’t give up on being open to them.
This is a great article. I have recently lost a large group of friends due to one of them being very narcissistic and manipulative and me not being able to hold back from speaking about what I have seen/felt. She has now manipulated everyone into thinking I’m paranoid and loosing my mind. She made me so angry I let her win and told her partner she cheated on him, the guilt I’m carrying now is immense and horrible. It’s also made them hate me more. Carrying a lot of anger and grief and letting it consume so much of my… Read more »
Hi! I’m so glad you liked the article! And I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It sounds like a ton of drama. The first thing to do is maybe plan something fun for you and your son to do during the time you were going to go away with the group. Then you might consider if there is anyone in the group you’d like to reach out to to see if you can salvage a relationship with them. If not, make a plan to make some new friends. Attend some Meetup events you’re interested in or find another way… Read more »
I absolutely hate how I let people get inside my mind. It drives me absolutely insane that despite my discipline to stay in my line and not act on my anger, they still manage to bother my thoughts about all of the betrayal they made me feel. Past few years it feels like the amount of people who switch up on me just gradually increases. I wish I could just let the tide pass by and move on eventually..
Hi Rang! Thanks so much for your comments! You are definitely not alone! It still happens to me WAY more frequently than I’d like. I always try to remind myself that they aren’t getting upset about me, so what am I doing? Or I just try to change my focus – to think about something else. It does seem like people have become more oblivious to how they treat others – if that’s due to technology, the pandemic, divisive politics – I don’t know. I find myself turning to nature more and more to center me and remind me that… Read more »
This advice does not apply to people in long term abusive relationships who, for whatever reason, cannot easily leave. It’s easy to say,” just don’t let it get to you,” or ” just don’t take it personally “. Not if it’s your spouse who rips into you and tears apart your self esteem, gaslights you, isolates you, and sabatoges every thing you try to do, as well as convinces everyone around you that YOU are the crazy one and you find yourself alone, with no allies and nobody to believe you.
Hi Maeve! Thanks for your comment! You are right – this was not meant to help anyone dealing with long term abuse. In that situation, professional help is absolutely necessary. I would never advise someone to not let abusive behavior get to them or to not take it personally. I try to encourage people to leave at the first sign of abuse – too often we think people will change or we can fix them. Or we ignore red flags – “they were just joking” or “she said she was sorry” or “he just had too much to drink”. Sometimes… Read more »
I know EXACTLY what your going through. I am in the same boat. 18 years the last 8 have been shit. If you need to vent email me ashley.jeffries2@gmail.com I have nobody either to talk to about it.
I feel like you know my husband.
I share a bathroom wall be X. The day X moved in, X stomped loudly next to my toilet. I had, in 10 years NEVER heard a sound coming from next door.
X began to strike objects when hearing me come in. My body shuts down.
Oh no!!! What a nightmare! I am soooo sorry! I hope X doesn’t stay there very long. Here are the only ideas I could come up with:
Lay down a rug and fill your space with furniture, curtains, etc. Even artwork can help with noise.
Use a white noise machine, earplugs, or noise-reducing headphones.
Ask your neighbors to keep it down – only good if you have a good relationship. If you don’t know them, try to connect first.
If in an apartment, talk to the manager.
File a noise complaint.
Good luck!!
Great approach to the subject though I still struggle with some points like the first one (the driver example). I understand the point, but it’s hard to implement when it is too much. I don’t exaggerate. It is too too much. If it was normal, that’s a lucky day or time. But no. It happens. It cannot not happen. I am so furious because of this. I am literally literally on the tip of the edge. I lost my fittness with life and with dealing with people. They drive me insane. I need a miracle to change what I am,… Read more »
Hi Omar! Thanks so much for your comment! I really, really hope you’ll talk to someone – a good counselor can help you get off that knife blade of rage. People can be unbelievably frustrating, I know, but you have to take your power back from them. They just do not deserve to control your emotions like this. All that anger really is only hurting you – your blood pressure, your sleep, etc. Can you escape people for a day or two and spend some time in nature? I know it sounds silly, but it always helps me calm down… Read more »
You touch in some very good points regarding us being masters to our own emotions and inherently not being responsible for others… I think there is much that could have been included as relationships and situations we encounter are much more complex than this. First, I dont agree entirely that we cannot change people, what we say and do can very well induce the self awareness that is needed for a person to first see the opportunity to change. Its healthy to experience negative emotion, without them the positive ones will die out…. Because if you shouldn’t let people upset… Read more »
Hi KG! Thanks for your thoughtful response! And yes there is much more that could be included, but this is a short article with specific tips to help someone upset with another person’s behavior. What I say here is that you can’t control other people and I’ll stand firm on that. Can you influence them? Sure! But it often doesn’t work. Remember this article addresses people who are upsetting you. Usually we are upset by people who are not doing or thinking what we’ve been trying to influence them to do or think. So instead of continuing to do something… Read more »
Great response!
Thanks, Maeve!
Such a good response instead of lashing back. Thank you for keeping up to date with this article
Thanks, Rang! I try! Thank you (and everyone else) for reading!
I don’t think you quite caught the whole point of the whole article. Of course the author already pointed out that the whole purpose was to touch base on other people’s emotions when it gets way out of hand and their options and methods to change somebody does not end up working. I just want to remind people like you that not everyone is able to tolerate another person’s behaviour despite how much love and care they have for them. Some people that have read this article have probably suffered to one sided changes and it becomes absolutely painful to… Read more »
I get so angry when the patients show up late at the medical practice I work at. When they are late for their appointments it puts me behind and causes the next appointment to run late, which angers the patient who was on time. The on time patient complains to me about me running late. I find it difficult to not be snippy with people when they are late, I feel it’s extremely rude and selfish of them to think the world revolves around them. I’m not in a position to tell the late arrivals they need to reschedule, I’m… Read more »
Hi Jaqui! Thanks for your comment and I’m so sorry you have to deal with these folks! Unless the clinic decides to do something differently (like penalize latecomers in some way), it sounds like you are stuck with the current situation. One way to deal might be to assume the best. Maybe they got lost or ran into a traffic accident. I was late for an appointment once because I’d never been to that clinic before. When I finally found a parking space and rushed toward what I thought was the entrance, it turned out to be a locked side… Read more »
I am affected by interactions with people who do not think the way I do, i.e – most of them are generally problematic ways of thinking. I get too invested in uncomfortable interactions and spend a lot of energy over it. My recent experience was just a couple of hours ago. Me and my partner live in a shared apartment with another man. His family flew here from their home country for holiday and are living here, three people, his mother,wife and child. Within a single day they managed to take over the entire space, leaving the sink full of… Read more »
Hi Aishwarya! Oh my gosh, I am so, so sorry! At least they are leaving soon? If they are leaving in two weeks (which I hope is the case for you), I would just lay low and bear this terrible behavior. And you are right, it is disrespectful! I would hate to have this man escalate further if you confront him again. He is clearly a nightmare to live with and if they were going to be there long term, we’d have to come up with a different solution. I don’t see why the landlord would kick you out if… Read more »
I have a tendency to allow other peoples feelings get to me and feel guilty or upset due to certain past traumas. It sucks cause it is supposed to roll off the shoulder and I try not to let their comments effect me in the moment but the minute I’m off the phone or overwhelmed, I contact someone else and get them to help me through this. I am trying to remind myself daily that other peoples struggles or emotions are not my own and this article was a needed reminder that 1. I’m not alone, and 2. My emotions… Read more »
Hi Teal! I’m so glad you found this helpful! And you are definitely not alone! I think we all struggle with this. So sorry your job requires you to do something that can be tough for you. Try to remember that if a caller is upset or angry – it has nothing to do with you. You’re just the middle person. The best way to disarm those negative callers is by sounding as friendly as you can (I know it’s hard). I always say that the best defense is a good offense! Dealing with customers/the public is harder than ever.… Read more »
Thanks so much for the insight. I’m finding myself feeling upset and worn down by my 13 year olds behaviour. Basically he has ocd (another issue) and is getting quite demanding when clothes aren’t washed (he wants them washed several times a day) and things aren’t his version of clean. Me getting frustrated at him makes things worse but it’s all demands these days. I know its a problem that needs to be addressed properly. Im a single mum and its getting me down these days. Everything he does annoys me these days
Oh my gosh – Lorraine – I’m so sorry! I cannot imagine how stressful and frustrating that must be! Try not to beat yourself up for being human (your son’s behavior would make my head explode). I hope you have access to a professional who can help you cope because you too deserve a life, and there must be some way of setting boundaries that would work for you both. Thanks for sharing as I’m sure there are LOTS of other Moms out there who feel your pain. Glad the article helped a little – my heart goes out to… Read more »
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I was googling things about people getting upset. Your article showed up. I’m super grateful that I found your article. God has an amazing way to connect us all. I always had issues at my previous and past jobs. Being a nice person, I was always taken advantage of. Im always thinking about the past. All those things that had happened to me within the workplace, sometimes those memories come right up. I learned to pray. I like what you said that we can’t control others’ behavior and that it’s their… Read more »
I’m so glad you found my article helpful! And thanks so much for sharing your words with others – sounds like you are doing so well with your journey! Love this “I realized my peace and joy are important.” Amen! Thanks for sharing!!
Very well put! I am practicing everyday some days are tough and some are easier
Thank you
Thanks so much for reading! I’m glad you liked this! And I’m with you – I think everyone struggles with not letting other people upset them. Hang in there – remember you are worth it!
Your article was really nice to read. I’ve been really struggling with not letting people and things bother me. Lately it’s been with other drivers on the road. I try my best to drive with care and no ill intentions, but there are some people who drive as though they’re out to hurt other people. For instance, I can be in the process of passing someone and they’ll speed up so I can’t pass or get in. Sometimes they’ll even break check me or slow down so I’ll remain ‘stuck’ behind them. This happens when heading home after a long… Read more »
Hi Angie! I’m so glad it made you feel better! Try to ignore those blockheads! Sometimes they are busy texting, sometimes they are just jerks, sometimes they are not paying attention – it’s really amazing there aren’t more accidents! Just keep being the safe driver you are and try not to take it personally. You’re doing a great service to others by being safe and remaining calm. There might be another driver you’re not even aware of whose life you’ve saved. Safe drivers are the guardian angels of the highways! Keep being you, my friend!! And thank you from the… Read more »
I just saved this article on my desktop so I can go back and reread as a reminder in moments of frustration. I especially appreciate the way it is organized!… I am wondering what your opinion is on leaving a little room for negotiation. Like many people here, my boyfriend and I have some ways of living life that differ. His relationship with his family is not as relaxed as my relationship with my family, and I would say, more toxic. This makes the buildup to visits with his family very stressful for me, and I start to feel a… Read more »
Hi Amanda! I’m so glad you liked the article – thanks so much for letting me know! First of all, let me say I’m really proud of you for setting those boundaries! I love those ideas! I do the same thing with my BF – sometimes I go to family things and sometimes I don’t. And his family isn’t toxic, I just sometimes have other things I’d rather do! My theory is if you cannot travel in joy, you’ll just bring everyone else down, so why go? And I think guilt is a bad reason to do anything. As to… Read more »
For a while now I have allowed my girlfriend to provoke and play on my triggers causing me to emotionally react impulsively. It would often feel impossible to just walk away and take the high road for the fear was that she was intentionally trying to provoke me. I hate myself for my reactions and more so allowing someone to take me out of my character. Even more so the fact she would play on the fact that I have became impulsive and now she has something to hold against me. I am trying to learn how to not react… Read more »
Thanks for sharing, Jordan! Argh – I’m so sorry you’re going through this! And I’m thinking your girlfriend sounds kind of mean, but I’m going to leave that up to you! Please remember that you deserve someone who supports you, not who holds things against you and makes you react in ways that are not true to your nature. That said, if she’s worth hanging onto, sounds like you are doing the right thing by not letting her determine your responses. I know it’s harder than it sounds! Good luck!!!
My best friend is an alcoholic and after 6 years sober has relapsed in the past 4 months.
His emotional rollercoaster has been affecting everything in my life. My home life, work and health.
My inability to help him has been so difficult to accept but after reading this article and comments I’m starting to realise that I have to limit the effect his behaviour has on me. It’s a work in progress but your words really helped.
I am letting the actions of my best friend shape my every thought for months now. He is an alcoholic who after 6 years sober relapsed.
Just found your article after a sleepless night. I think I’ll need to keep reading it over and over but the advice is great, heartbreaking but great.
Hi Deb! I’m so very sorry you are going through this! And I’m so glad you found this article helpful – thanks for taking the time to comment. Dealing with an addict can be such a heartbreaking and all-consuming thing as you know. As long as he’s drinking, the alcohol will always come first. I hope you’ll take the time to talk with a counselor to help you – it’s so easy to feel guilty for taking the steps needed to protect yourself. You want to help, but you don’t want to enable – it’s sooo emotional and draining. If… Read more »
Thank you so much for your response to my post.
Your words meant so much. The situation has got alot worse in the last week and the advice and support I have got from rereading parts of your site have been invaluable. I’m still struggling to take a step back but I have learnt to recognise when it’s getting too much. Like I said it’s a work in progress.
Thanks again
Thank YOU, Deb! I’m cheering you on! And know that your comment helps others too! Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can’t want more for someone then they want for themselves. When they want it and are willing to work for it, I’m right there to help. But until then, it’s a waste of my time, energy and emotions. Sending love your way!!
just read this after a disagreement with my nephew, he doesnt like it because i found his behaviour towards someone who was trying to help him inappropriate. I was happy to agree to disagree but he kicked off so i had to hang up. He is the sort to now throw it back at me and say he doesnt want to see me boxing day and doesnt want xmas gifts, then making me do all the begging. After reading this I felt a relief that its not me being unreasonable and that in fact I am enabling his behaviour and… Read more »
Yay, Bee!!!! This is so great to read! You deserve a lovely holiday too! And at 30, it’s high time he started thinking about others. The best gift you can give him might be to let your actions teach him that lesson. As long as he treats others poorly, his relationships will always suffer. Come back here if you weaken! I think you more than made up for his dad failing him, now he’s failing himself. So proud of you, my friend! Hope your holidays are wonderful and stress and drama free!!! Let the joy flow!
Thank you so much for your response, it means a lot to hear an outsider reinforce what my husband has been trying to tell me but I wasnt ready to hear it and I obviously needed to learn this for myself. After reading other articles I realise I am a highly empathetic person and over the years have taken on other peoples issues, problems and been their support but to the detrament of my own mental health. Reading your articles and other peoples on this forum and hearing your responses just suddenly woke me up to realise i can’t fix… Read more »
Woohoo! Happy New Year and new You, Bee! Sounds like your hubby is a gem! Thank you for being a light in the world. This is the year for you to focus on keeping your inner light going. It’s not selfish – it’s what allows you to light the way for others. Don’t let those negative people put it out! Thanks for making my day – again! Love you back! Denise xoxox
Hi! This was a very helpful article for me. I have a boyfriend who I’ve been with around 7 months. In the beginning it seemed like he was moderately affectionate and sweet and so was I, but as our relationship has progressed and we get more comfortable with each other, he seems to be getting less affectionate and I feel I am getting more affectionate and it’s clear he isn’t really trying to cater to my feelings too much any more. For example, I’ve been staying with him for the last few weeks and I went to my parents house… Read more »
BRAVO!!!!! Camille, you made my day! This is EXACTLY what I hope people realize when they read this! I’m glad you found this post while the relationship is still young and you can decide what to do (some people wake up after they’ve gotten married or had children and feel they are trapped). I’m so proud of you for realizing you can’t change him. His behavior has nothing to do with you – it’s just who he is. He may have some other great attributes that make him a keeper or he just might not be the right one. It… Read more »
So, my brother he Is really rude to me, he tells me stuff that makes me feel bad. One time, he said, ” You need therapy, your crazy”, and I said I do need therapy don’t I? And I said, ” Oh, I already have a therapist”. I smiled then he got mad because I wasn’t upset. They want to see you hurt, just agree and they will look dumb.
I read this article and I had the courage thank you!
So proud of you!! Well done! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for this message I really needed this today!
So glad it helped!!
I’m glad you mentioned to don’t let others steal your joy. I used to walk on eggshells around the other person when they were angry so that they wouldn’t get angrier. It was if I thought they had the upper hand. How dumb.
Hi Linda! Not dumb – human!! Thanks for sharing!
Yes, love this article. Good thoughts and inspiring!!
Thanks so much!!!
Thank you for your thoughts within this article—as I was looking for something encouraging to read. I am dealing with a seriously ill loved one now in the hospital—who when I reached out to him responded by telling me that he is “dealing with a lot of stuff and did not need to be upset (I guess by me, was the implication). I assured him that I understood. But really, I didn’t. As a family member, I really just wanted to be there for him, but I suppose he did not want that from me. It was a bit hurtful—as… Read more »
I’m so sorry that happened! I think you did the right thing by trying to be there for him and respecting his wishes. Try not to take his comment personally – he might have meant it in general terms, not specifically about you. Maybe he doesn’t want people to visit and see him this way (being in the hospital stinks and you feel so vulnerable). He also may be in a lot of pain or under the influence of some drugs they are giving him. Expect nothing and give whatever you feel is appropriate – that’s the best way to… Read more »
By the way you have described it, sounds as though your interactions together may not be pleasant from his perspective. If neither of you end up reasonably upset afterwards then he might have been hiding that whatever you have been bringing to table during those times was unwanted. Because as the Author stated, he cant change you. It also is difficult notice our own invasive behavior others are faced with, being that we dont see ourselves as others do and when we do, its a short brief period in front of the mirror to check our physical appearance. Just abide… Read more »
Nice piece.
Kenny, thanks so much!!
Simple rules to remember. Thank you!
Thanks for reading!
Hi, Good read, I am mentally and emotionally tormented bcz of a b*tch. Out of sight out of mind they say, but I have to co-exist with that b*tch, so how? I will be seeing her/ her stuff so often, I just cant take it, and I can’t fake it when I hate someone. I hope I can be strong enough to ignore her, having to co-exist with her just drains me/ my energy. The fact that she has the privilege to gloat makes me even more pissed, to see her gloat. I am worn-out, drained, seriously. Anyhow, thanks for… Read more »
Hi Reeze! So glad you liked the article – thanks for commenting! Ugh – I am soooo sorry you are going through this! I’m not good at faking it either, so I can totally relate. Sounds like you’re doing everything I would recommend. And if you get desperate, there’s always sarcasm – even if you just say it to yourself. I will say that anyone who gloats over anything desperately craves approval – try to remind yourself of that. Good luck, and keep being you!!!
Some kind of way I have neighbors who listen to my every word recording me and the family in my home/computer/cellphone etc. and then use the information against me. I’m in no contact talking with neighbors. What I’m I to do about this problem?
Hi! I wish I could help! I have no idea how they are recording you, so I can’t think of any way to help. But it seems there must be some way to stop that from happening? The only idea I have is from time to time you say things to completely confuse them. I wish I had better advice to give!
Turn the music up, sound off loud alarms so much, or scream at random times so that it startles them and makes them back off of listening to you.
This is a wonderful article; thank you so much.
I have been struggling with my anger towards my husband, and you helped me immensely.
I’m so glad!! Thanks for taking the time to let me know!
I have a neighbor who I can’t get rid of her I am so terrified of her she is the type that can manipulate others into harming you by saying bad things that can get you hurt..I am afraid of her and I can’t seem to get away from her. What can I do where it won’t cause anymore drama then it already is…I need someone’s advice and how I can just stay far far away that she would let me be..I want safe advice please let me know
Hi! I wish I could help! I think all you can do is smile and try to look busy. Maybe pretend to be talking on the phone as you come and go. It’s hard to always avoid neighbors, but you could try changing your schedule. Or if you live in an apartment, maybe ask to be moved to another unit far away from her? Or maybe if you have some nice neighbors you could ask them to look out for you? Not mentioning this lady specifically – just saying sometimes you are nervous? Wish I could help more – it’s… Read more »
Get a PFA/ restraining order against her.